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Chaos

The night was dark.
And the world lay quite.
In this peace I found my chaos
Chaos of Lossing someone. Someone you love. Someone important.
No it’s not my lover it’s not a heartbreak story. No actually it is.it is my break up story with God.
In the quite dark night I could hear his breathing. He was breathing deep. The noises within my heart. The voices which told me. This is it. It’s over. The ambulance Buzz. Every thing around me wanted me to yell. Why the hell me. What have I done.
I made a pact with God. For his survival or for rather mine. For it felt 21 years were too less. It haunted me for times we fought and never spoke. Maybe I should have valued that time. Maybe I shouldn’t have fought. It all layed as “maybe”.
I could hear him calling my name.
I told him to fight. Fight you still haven’t seen me into who you wanted me to be. Bapu fight it. Not for you. Not for me. But for us. For the times we laughed, joked and moked. Fight not for your survival but for rather mine.
And just like how he had bought me Every Barbie doll I wanted. He gifted me his greatest treasure and that was his survival.

🖊️Jainandinidevi Gohil

 Stranger on the street

Do the people we meet everyday serve a specific purpose in life and then they depart. The people you meet at airports and have random conversation just because your flight is delayed. Has it ever occurred if you would ever meet them again? And if you did will they recognize you? Would they stay to fill in to be an important aspect in your life.

What meaning do those meetings have? Aren’t they all pointless selfish, maybe greedy aspect to fill in our boredom. Maybe yes maybe no. Some people you meet at random roads do stay in to be there for you forever and in turn change from random to specifically important.

I had met such a stranger on a wintery afternoon which was kind of hot because Gujarat never turns to be too cold. We never spoke to be precise, it was just exchange of eye contacts, both of us eagerly waiting to give a stupid test.

I did not know that this meeting would turn out to be my strongest friendship of a year and counting. The thought about why was that stranger out there agitated me I had this curiosity for the very first time to know if that stupid test and meeting served a purpose? But I try to kept my mind off and the very next day my life had turned a little darker with my medical condition. I was in trauma and yes my life changed that night.

That very day I got a request from the “so called future friend” I did not know what to do? Was it a sign from the universe( yes I believe in such stuff) and so I added a stranger and the conversation did grow. I thought that just like my other friends this conversation would last for couple of weeks and then people would grow out of it. But it did not happen with every step I was taking in my war of struggle with my illness my friend stood by me.

Guiding me, accepting me and caring for me. There were enough instances to prove that when i cried all alone and really wished someone to call, I only received that friend’s call out of coincidence and well this continues to be even true today. And out of all the friendships I have I want this to be the forever always.

And out of all the friendships i have i want this to be the forever always. well there are few people who enter as miracles and if they will stay in forever or not is something that fate decides. meetings and separation are all part of life. They come in and teach us some important lesson and then leave.

 

Jainandinidevi Gohil

Who am I? – Beating Words

Who am I ?
How do I perceive myself?
Young, beautiful, bold, confident, and pretty.
That’s what I think I am.
What does society think of my perceived beauty?
It said hold on young lady you have spectacles, you have curly hair and YOU ARE FAT oh gosh. YOU ARE UGLY. You don’t deserve to be tagged to be’’ beautiful.’’
When young minds go through these societal stereotypes of fair and lovely, skinny and beautiful, and when bollywood shows us the perfect zero figure models walking down the ramp of a fashion show. The young minds think this is what beautiful looks like.
We see advertisement on the TV everyday of Fair and lovely, telecommunications selling sona belts and the fact that the role of women is confined to just making sure that the plates are clean enough to be used as mirrors. The irony is this is what our kids are learning too.
There is an incident I would like to share. As a teacher I went in a class and students happened to be dressed in sarees as it was a traditional day or something. I went in the class and complimented everyone for looking gorgeous and the fact that they all looked lovely. The class ended and a girl walked up to me, a 17 year old to be precise. She said’’ ma’am you really think I am beautiful ? because my parents feel I am too dark and maybe I would not get a good husband’’
I was amazed by the fact on how can parents push or blame their children for the skin type they have? I told her eventually that you should marry someone who likes you for who you are and respects you.
I believed that maybe this problem pertained to smaller cities but who was I fooling open a newspaper and go to a column of matrimonial section it will give you a certain image of a stereotypical ‘’wife’’
‘’ Needed a 24 year old fair thin and a graduate girl for our 27 year old doctor son earning 5 lakhs every month’’
I had no knowledge about how deep these stereotypes were until I started interacting with the kids in my school. I was shocked to know that half of my students believed in having a stringent rajput customs. They were shocked to know that I did not to how to cook or I was unaware about many customs and traditions and that I was allowed to openly voice out my disregard for the few.
Considering my opinions of customs and traditions I respect and follow those customs which give me respect in return well those which disregard or objectify or control me I do not follow them. Which makes me look ’’unsanskari’’ kind. The kind every guy should probably stay away from and I have heard many elders of mine telling me ‘’ behave like a girl’’ ‘’ stop wearing jeans’’ ‘’ do not apply lipstick’’ ‘’ grow your hair’’ ‘’ sit like a girl’’ etc.
Well to be honest women have been fighting all their lives. For their rights, for education , or their freedom. But the real question is. Are we there yet? How further we need to fight to ensure equality, respect and love. How far can I walk alone on street ? How many vehicles need to be pasted with ‘’ Jai Mataji’’ to deserve respect and avoid eve teasing. Till when do Ihave to mute my opinions when I see aunties character assassinating girls who are confident and well spoken.
TILL WHEN? Is the real question to be thought on.

🖊️Jainandinidevi Gohil